Thursday, April 3, 2014

That Time I Had A Phone Sex Operator Roommate

I've shared this story with just about every single person I come in contact with... mostly for the simple fact that it's fucking hilarious. And naturally I would have a roommate like this because I have excellent luck.

Let me give you a little background to this story. Apartments near UT in Austin are extremely competitive. Like you have to sign a lease in January to move in in August. Ridiculous. Anywho, my two best friends and my old roommate from freshman year moved into an apartment our junior year. Things were going great. We loved living together and life was fun. Until that said roommate from freshman year decided she was going to move in with her sister for senior year. Luckily she told us this about 2 months before our lease ended, giving us ample time to find a roommate.


So our apartment complex was kind enough to give us a random roommate that totally matched our "personality profiles". What they offered to us was an 18 year old girl that had 0 common interests as us. We plead with the apartment complex to give us someone different, but they wouldn't. We were 22 and she was 3 years younger than us. That might as well have been a 10 year age difference because you mature A LOT in those three years.

Anywho, we were pretty apprehensive about this chick moving in, especially because three of us were best friends and another person would really harsh that. And boy were we right... The first month started out fine. We were friendly with her, but it was painfully obvious that we had completely different lifestyles and would not become the best of friends, which was fine. I'd rather have that than some crazy person all up in my business.

Things were going fine until one night I came home early from a concert. It was still pretty late, so I tried to be quiet. "Shirley" and I lived on one side of the apartment and a wall. Apartments in our area were made really shittily (sp?) and the walls were paper thin. I could tell she was awake and watching a movie. Or so I thought.

Until I heard sex noises. Figured it was the movie she was watching. Until I realized it was starting to sound more like a porno. And then I realized it was "Shirley's" voice. This girl was not what I would call a social butterfly, so I highly doubted someone was in the room with her.

She was on the phone.

I about died right then and there. I immediately texted my friends, but no one believed me.

And then it started happening again. Regularly. Like every Monday and Wednesday night at the same time. Always on the phone. And we figured out it was never the same person because she would be extremely descriptive with their looks and age. And obviously my roommates and I stood outside of her door and listened and giggled because we're 14 year old boys.

And then it started getting worse. Like this girl had no discretion. She had to realize we could hear her! And she would do it when other people were over too! My mom heard it, my boyfriend heard it, two of our other friends heard it.

I was obviously way too embarrassed to ask her about it, so I avoided her. Never made eye contact. And when we all moved out, we did not make plans to keep in touch.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Dear 16 Year Old Me...

Dear Megan,

You think you are hot shit right now. You have the coolest boyfriend, the coolest car, and the best friends in the world. You make good grades and you can kick some ass on the volleyball court. You can run on 5 hours of sleep and eat Hot Cheetos and a Coke for lunch every day. Guess what my dear? This stuff doesn't last forever.

Shortly after your 16th birthday, that hot boyfriend will dump you and it will flip your world upside down. It freaking sucks. You will cry about it every day and drown your sorrows in Eli Young Band songs and Taco Bell Crunch Wrap Supremes. You'll annoy the crap out of your friends by writing them notes during class saying "i miss him </3".

It'll pass though.

You'll finally get a car after driving Mom's old Yukon around for a year. You wanna know why you didn't get a car the second you turned 16? Because you couldn't and shouldn't have been trusted with a brand new car. You stupidly drank and drove on numerous occasions. You shouldn't have even been given the privilege to drive a car at all. However, luck had it for you to get caught. You're gonna hate Mom and Steve and think it's so unfair, but it'll be good for you. You'll learn responsibility. Don't be stupid with your new car.

Believe it or not, you needed a curfew. Not all nights, but most. Nothing good (or at least smart) happened after midnight. You're gonna drink and you're going to do stuff you shouldn't do and you're going to be really stupid. Have fun, but don't ever take your safety for granted. Somehow, by the grace of God, you didn't get into serious trouble.

Grades are important. Do your homework and push yourself to study a little. I'm proud of you for always making grades a priority. It'll pay off when you head to UT in a few years. You'll get into your dream school because you worked hard in high school. I can't say the same thing with volleyball. You'll quit junior year and won't miss it in the slightest. It's ok to give up on something your heart isn't into.

Crazily enough, the best friends you have now will be some of the best friends of your life. You'll drift apart in college some--it's an inevitable part of growing up, but you'll all remain great friends throughout your twenties. You'll make other best friends down the road, but just know that those girls from high school will love you and all of your faults. They'll forgive you for being a bad friend, they'll be there for you when you need them in the middle of the night, and they will let you cry to them about your boyfriend just like they did in high school.

You'll have your moments that make you feel inadequate. There will be times you'll feel like the biggest fuck up on the planet. Boys will treat you like crap. You'll feel ugly at times. School will bring you down. But guess what? That stuff won't matter down the road. Keep your head held high.

You have such a bright future down the road for you. You make think 16 is the happiest of year of your life, but just wait and see... Life gets so fun.

2014 Megan

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