You know that saying "When it rains, it pours"? Boy has that sentiment held true for me this past month. This past month has been one of the more Earth shattering, shocking, eye-opening months of my life. I'm not going to go into any details at all on it, because that's not the focus on this post. The focus is on my attitude towards it, personal growth, and what I've learned. Also, I'm more so just using this post as therapy because writing is cathartic and when times are tough, I love being able to go back in time and look at how I've evolved since that shitty life season.
Few things I've learned here lately:
You are the ONLY person that should control your happiness.
While friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, family, co-workers, WHOEVER should be a huge part of your life, you absolutely, 100% cannot and should not rely on them for your total happiness. That's way too much pressure on any person to be someone else's sole source of happiness and it shows that you are lacking something when you aren't looking inward for your own happiness. You have got to learn to be okay when a friend disappoints you or your coworkers are annoying. Placing all of your happiness eggs in the baskets of other people leads to you never feeling full and fulfilled with life. Learn how to be okay alone, learn how to rely on yourself, and more importantly learn to love yourself. True happiness can only be obtained intrinsically. Others help, but they should be just a piece in your happiness puzzle, not your whole puzzle.
You can't control everything.
It's not secret that I'm a huge control freak. I want to be in charge of everything in life. Big projects at work, the way my family acts, what me and my friends do on the weekends, etc. I want to always be the decision maker and the voice of reason. I want people to listen to me and do as I say. But guess what? Sometimes life throws you the biggest freaking curve balls that you have absolutely no control over and it sucks. It hurts so badly to let go and trust that things will be okay when they're out of your hands. It sucks not knowing the outcome to something. It is incredibly painful to try so hard to make something go your way, only to have it fail miserably or not even thought about. Learning to let go and trust that things will be okay is incredibly hard for me, but I'm learning each and every day to not hold onto things so tightly. Believe it or not, the people surrounding me are capable adults of making smart decisions. It's okay to let that friend go make a fool of herself and it's okay to let someone else take over a big project. I absolutely cannot place that pressure on me anymore--I need to let go and trust that things will be okay when they're out of my hands.
You don't NEED anything or anyone.
This has been a tough one for me. I have to learn that I don't need a single person or thing to make me happy. I don't need a promotion or a certain outfit or my Etsy business to excel to be happy. There have been times where I've really needed my mom and she lives 1000 miles away. I want her here with me, but I don't necessarily need her to be ok. I don't need my friends, my job, or my boyfriend to be ok and happy. Those things make me happy, but I don't need them. I just want them around. I can't keep waiting for the next big event in my life. I can't sit around and think, "oh I'll be much happier at my job when I get a promotion" or "I'll be so much happy when I don't live in an apartment". Happiness is now and I don't need external things to bring that. They help, but I can't bank on them. People and things are going to let you down and that's a harsh part of life.
Trust your path.
Shit happens for a reason. I'm a firm believer that your life story is already written for you and every little event that happens to you leads you to the next bigger, better thing. There are lessons to be learned in every season of your life, and sometimes it's hard to sit back and realize that what's happening now will make for a better you in the future. Crappy things are meant to break you down and build you back up. Tough times don't last, but tough people do. I will emerge victorious and stronger once all of this storm passes. I just have to trust that I'm going through this stuff for a reason.
This past month has not been fun in any sense of the word, but I've gained more insight into the person I am and the person I am meant to be this past month than I have in the past 3 years. I've done a lot of introspecting and character improvement. I've challenged my old ways of thinking more than I ever thought they needed to be challenged. It's an arduous process of disciplining yourself to change your mindset, but I will come out a much better person because of it. And frankly, if these events had never happened to me, I would've have even known I would need to change. And that's the silver lining I can find in all of this.
And that's all I have to say about that.